Of Christmas, Lucky Luke And Birds With Turpentine Up Their A-holes

Watching tv, drinking whiskey, smoking and listening to my friends playing cards in the next room was, oddly enough, the best night I’ve had in a long time. When the movies became unbearably stupid, I went over to the table they were playing and I joined them. We broke it off at around 6 am on Christmas day. Happy Birthday baby Jesus.

It’s Christmas day, 7 am and three dogs, Fletcher, Joe and Larry followed me home from the bus stop. They could be my reindeers only if I was fatter and my beard and hair was white. Only if I was wiser and knew how to spread cheer.

So I fed the strays a couple of slices of ham and one of cheese and came back in. The light brown one, Fletcher, seemed to be the sociable one. The black one Larry, was the leader from what it seemed and the brown-white one, Joe, was part of the group.

I had a cup of coffee and smoked a couple of cigarettes. The festive table is now over. Plates are empty, my stomach’s full from all the food, wine and chocolate cake. You have to taste my uncle’s wine. It’s sweeter than Holy Communion and stronger than Hulk. Jesus’ wine doesn’t stand a chance. Chester had some pork from my plate and he loved it.

The song coming from my speakers sings “we used to get high together instead of getting high alone” and I just finished talking with a good friend of mine whom I haven’t seen for six months or so. We talked about the days we used to go for coffee, get our cups to go, get in the car drive up to a hill where he smoked pot, I drank coffee and chain smoked and talked nonsense for an hour or two. He’s going to be titled Dr. in a couple of years from now. Maybe less.

It’s 4 days after Christmas day now and I still haven’t finished this entry. I was caught up with being lazy, ill and practicing trying to make a musician out of myself. Last gig we had was on the 27th and it went surprisingly well. I got so excited that I abused my free drinks that I had at the bar and spent 40 more euros. Again I got back home at 7 am.

I used to tell my best friend that playing “Jingle Bells Rock” make me feel miserable for some reason but this time the song spread its Christmas cheer all over inside me. Re-reading this last line I want to slap me real hard for being that cheesy but I won’t. Anything goes because it’s Christmas.

That night was amazing. Not many people that we knew showed up but those important few were there. The bar was packed and we had an amazing night. At least I did.

Now the new year is only a couple of days away and once I had forgotten I’m growing older the signs of the time flying faster than a bird with turpentine up its ass swung at me and knocked me down. The video store where a friend of mine and I used to get movies from every now and again for more than 5 years is closing down. I asked the owner and she said recession has nothing to do with it. She’s just retiring.

From that same video store my mother used to get me Lucky Luke video-tapes to watch when I was younger. At that same video store I burst out laughing when I saw a guy handing over 2 action movies, 1 comedy, 1 cartoon and a porn movie stuck in between to rent.

Well time flies dats fer shure and soon 2012 will be smooching my stubbly face every day for 12 months. Just like 2010 did and 2011 after that. My favorite video store will be closed down and I’ll have no grandchildren to say “when I was your age that’s where I used to get movies from.” Who's going to dare and say happy New Year this time? We said it last year and look what happened. Disasters and calamities all over the place. We jinxed it big time. But anyway, even early MAY YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY AND GOOFY NEW YEAR.

Eat The Cake And Dance While Drinking Cheap Champagne

Well now, I lied. There’s not going to be a part II of the previous blog. There are things far more important than sitting and presenting myself as a random “boy”, storytelling a tail that is still under construction and trying to reach to a conclusion. To put it in another way, I’m bored as hell of writing this piece of crap, that piece of crap is boring by itself and last but not least it’s Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly falalalala falafel and kebab.

3 weeks. That’s all we need to be merry and then we’re all allowed to be miserable cranky or pissed off at whatever we were before. No matter what problems you have during the Christmas holidays YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to wear a frown cause the big man with the red uniform has you on his list and he’s going to check it twice. He’s going to make sure if you were naughty, asshole or nice. And then if he finds that out he’s going to make up his mind. And either way you’re going to lose. Because he’s wearing the uniform, he has the sledge, he is allowed to be overweight, wear a beard and weird looking glasses, he’s allowed to be looking at you while you’re sleeping and he will never get arrested for that. Why? Cause he’s the man. And either you’re a male or female he’s still the Man. You’re not.

Why does everyone get so hyped about Christmas? The weirdest thing of it all is that if you ask any of these suckers if they believe in Santa they’ll give you a grin and walk on their merry ways of shopping and consumption of chocolate. There is another funny thing. These suckers are not nice or smile to half of the people they are nice to and smile to before or after the Christmas holidays. If they see you giving more than 1 cigarette to a junky or a homeless man they’ll call you crazy and laugh at you. If they see you giving more than 1 euro, woo boy then you’ll be the laugh of the town.

Just come out of the closet and admit it. Not that you’re gay. Just say it. Come on. “I love Christmas holidays because I like going shopping, walking like a sheep with the rest of the crowd in the flooded with people market street and hold hands with the person that I was a dick to until today.” But, I must admit all these lights and all the fancy decoration, which at some places is the tackiest that it gets, really do make you feel better even when you’re down and almost out.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that less and less kids come out these days to sing the Christmas carols from door to door. I remember the time when I couldn’t sleep at night, when I was 7 or 8 years old, and I was spinning in my bed at midnight the day before Christmas’ eve because I knew that I had to wake up at six in the morning and go and sing the carols with my brother and another friend of ours. Then with the tips that they’d give us we’d go and buy our own Christmas presents for ourselves. No matter the weather conditions, we used to do that.

But who am I to judge? I love Christmas. Even though I do believe that Christmas without snow is like porn with no blowjob. The carolers will always be on their merry ways singing and being all jolly and I will be expecting them. Ho ho ho I’m as cliché as all of you people. I love Christmas and I love Santa even though I know he doesn’t exist because in a way it makes me feel younger.