Of Christmas, Lucky Luke And Birds With Turpentine Up Their A-holes

Watching tv, drinking whiskey, smoking and listening to my friends playing cards in the next room was, oddly enough, the best night I’ve had in a long time. When the movies became unbearably stupid, I went over to the table they were playing and I joined them. We broke it off at around 6 am on Christmas day. Happy Birthday baby Jesus.

It’s Christmas day, 7 am and three dogs, Fletcher, Joe and Larry followed me home from the bus stop. They could be my reindeers only if I was fatter and my beard and hair was white. Only if I was wiser and knew how to spread cheer.

So I fed the strays a couple of slices of ham and one of cheese and came back in. The light brown one, Fletcher, seemed to be the sociable one. The black one Larry, was the leader from what it seemed and the brown-white one, Joe, was part of the group.

I had a cup of coffee and smoked a couple of cigarettes. The festive table is now over. Plates are empty, my stomach’s full from all the food, wine and chocolate cake. You have to taste my uncle’s wine. It’s sweeter than Holy Communion and stronger than Hulk. Jesus’ wine doesn’t stand a chance. Chester had some pork from my plate and he loved it.

The song coming from my speakers sings “we used to get high together instead of getting high alone” and I just finished talking with a good friend of mine whom I haven’t seen for six months or so. We talked about the days we used to go for coffee, get our cups to go, get in the car drive up to a hill where he smoked pot, I drank coffee and chain smoked and talked nonsense for an hour or two. He’s going to be titled Dr. in a couple of years from now. Maybe less.

It’s 4 days after Christmas day now and I still haven’t finished this entry. I was caught up with being lazy, ill and practicing trying to make a musician out of myself. Last gig we had was on the 27th and it went surprisingly well. I got so excited that I abused my free drinks that I had at the bar and spent 40 more euros. Again I got back home at 7 am.

I used to tell my best friend that playing “Jingle Bells Rock” make me feel miserable for some reason but this time the song spread its Christmas cheer all over inside me. Re-reading this last line I want to slap me real hard for being that cheesy but I won’t. Anything goes because it’s Christmas.

That night was amazing. Not many people that we knew showed up but those important few were there. The bar was packed and we had an amazing night. At least I did.

Now the new year is only a couple of days away and once I had forgotten I’m growing older the signs of the time flying faster than a bird with turpentine up its ass swung at me and knocked me down. The video store where a friend of mine and I used to get movies from every now and again for more than 5 years is closing down. I asked the owner and she said recession has nothing to do with it. She’s just retiring.

From that same video store my mother used to get me Lucky Luke video-tapes to watch when I was younger. At that same video store I burst out laughing when I saw a guy handing over 2 action movies, 1 comedy, 1 cartoon and a porn movie stuck in between to rent.

Well time flies dats fer shure and soon 2012 will be smooching my stubbly face every day for 12 months. Just like 2010 did and 2011 after that. My favorite video store will be closed down and I’ll have no grandchildren to say “when I was your age that’s where I used to get movies from.” Who's going to dare and say happy New Year this time? We said it last year and look what happened. Disasters and calamities all over the place. We jinxed it big time. But anyway, even early MAY YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY AND GOOFY NEW YEAR.

Searching Other Guys' Luggages At The Airport

Hello and hi to whoever reads this. Today I started searching a stranger's bag at the airport by mistake and he...but wait let's take things from the scratch.

No matter how stupid this may sound sometimes I feel like I’ll run out of things to say. Like I won’t be able to write down a simple even honest sentence ever again and I’ll start sucking at what I think I suck less. A knight will come while I’m asleep tie me up and wake me up just to make me watch him having sex with an ugly witch on the next bed. Then chop my head off, take it home and use it as a cocktail pitcher.

Well, when in a situation like this I’m often in the dilemma of either writing down the last thing I have in mind with the hope that this move will trigger more and more thought, or save it cause that’s the last crappy thing I have and will ever think that will be worth of mentioning.

Anyway, a flight for me usually gets weird, awkward and goofy. Either there’s a kid crying or screaming right behind me, or I’m getting to sit on the aisle seat and every time the flight attendants pass me by with their cart, they hit my knee and wake me up like they do it on purpose. OR I fall asleep and wake up every two minutes checking if I drooled and made a fool of myself. BUT not this time.

This time the less predictable happened. No, I didn’t get blown in the toilettes or asked to fly the airplane after it was high-jacked by terrorists and John McClane called me on the radio to land it safely as his wife was in there.

I met a guy who I’d met before during a tram ride in Manchester 7 or 8 months ago. Now, it’s alright for you to think “why the hell you’d strike up conversations on the tram with strangers you weirdo?” and it’s alright for me to answer of course “because that’s what people do.”

I can’t spell the guy's name but he’s Finish. I get to sit next to him as there’s nowhere else for me to sit. I look at him and say “I think we’ve met before”. Hell I was on the aisle seat again, so I thought if I could get to talk with the guy I wouldn’t have a problem waking up every 10 minutes by flight attendants hitting me with their stupid carts.

He used to be in a “fast intelligent rock and roll slash punk band”. He tells me how he formed his first band when he was 12 and then got a record deal when he was 15 playing hardcore punk. He claims it was not that hard to get signed, as hard core punk was on the up back then and there weren’t many hardcore/ punk bands in Finland. “You haven’t listened to faster band than us” that’s what he claims him and his friends used to say. He also says that they managed to get a record deal cause they played like many California hardcore bands. “Like circle-jerks, black flag, you know that kind of stuff.”

The flight attendant interrupts our conversation asking if we’d like anything to drink or eat. I get a blueberry muffin and pretzels. He gets milk and tea and then he continues with his story.

Apparently he got big headed by signing at a young age and it didn’t work out. He keeps telling me stories about touring and sleeping on friends’ floors. Friends and bandmates of his not taking things seriously and just drinking all the time to the extent they weren’t “awake if they didn’t have a drink”. All that by scratching his goatee- which was long- and while I had finished my pretzels.

I didn’t have to talk. The more silent I was the more I think he felt obliged to fill that silence and he kept on talking. He’s a fast talker. With a bit of a stammer.And a weird laugh- he laughs in a high pitched voice while looking at you and then gets completely serious and stares blankly in front of him- But all in all, he’s a nice guy.

At one point I run out of questions and the conversation starts getting boring. I take out one of the magazines I’d bought – in which I read an article about sex addiction and a woman who ruined 2 marriages, cheated on both her ex-husbands repeatedly with her coworkers and had more one night stands that she can remember- and I offer him a magazine from my bag. He says he’s alright and that he has this ability to switch off his mind when he’s bored. 5 minutes later I see him picking up a crappy airline magazine. 2 minutes after that I can see his hand falling slowly. I look at him and he’s falling asleep. He struggles to stay awake. But he gives in and starts snoring.

We arrive in Manchester and I’m waiting for my suitcase when I see one which looked JUST like mine. It’s all wet like all the others but something doesn’t seem right. So, I kneel down and open it. In the top I find two shirts. I hadn’t packed any shirts. I try to find a way to open the main part of the suitcase when a guy probably 19 years old walks over and says “excuse me sir…I think that’s my bag” while my head was stuck in the main space of his bag.

I look up and then at the belt and see my bag. I stand up and say “yeap you’re right” and run and grab my bag. I bet he thought I was just waiting there to pick any bag I found unattended cause I open mine too to make sure that it’s mine.

Well I lied back up when I said nothing awkward or weird happened this time. But it wasn’t that bad.

As you can see, I picked the first option. I just arrived in Preston and settled in in my hotel room. They’re happy that Christmas is around the corner and they show it by playing “Jingle Bells” and other Christmas songs through the halls’ speakers. They even have Christmassy music in the elevator. But, despite the great Christmas spirit they have no wifi. “It’s down since yesterday. We were expecting the technician to come fix it today but he didn’t show up” said the semi-fat receptionist. But turned out she had absolutely no idea what she was talking about because the internet’s working just fine. My phone’s dead. My room’s phone isn’t working as well and they didn’t give me my gravy at KFC. Kernel I've been loyal but your troops betrayed me.

To top that there’s nothing worth watching on the 100+ something channels on the T.V here.

But I have my Christmassy tunes from down the hall, my cigarettes and my laptop. Oh wait no I don’t have my laptop cause I gave it for repair and the guy fucked it up even more so now I have my brother’s laptop. So I have my Christmassy tunes spreading the joy from down the hall and my cigarettes.

Till the next time keep goofing it up and bababooee

Bi Polar Bears And An Old Time Hippy

I’ve increased the number of cigarettes I smoke a day since I came back from the U.K. Could be the lower price. I’ve also gained weight. It could be the easy access to food anytime I open the fridge. I could now be easily called slightly obese but I like the way my face looks chubby and hairy. Boarder line healthy. One more cheeseburger and I step in the obese territory.

I quit an internship not because the people there were not nice. It wasn’t because I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing. I was just looking for something different and they were looking for someone with drive and motivation. So motivated and with that extra drive that only pisses pure Gatorade or Redbull.

Now the editor/ owner is a real something. She’s pretty for her age but she lacks the seriousness. She has that iced look in her eyes but she flinches too much. If she was playing the “two for flinching” game, her arms would be dead for all her life. She wants to seem friendly but at the same time she has that awkward semi-angry semi-satisfied look on her face, like her father barged in her room interrupting her first fuck just to tell her he wishes she could be more like her best-friend.

I don’t feel pity for her but I bet she feels betrayed for me not sticking around. Maybe just bummed out. Maybe she just kept her positivity and found another sucker. I bet she was a hippy when she was in her twenties.

P.S: Have you ever met a bi polar-bear?

Of Fractured Bones And H1N1

It's been 23 years since the first time. But as much romantic as it sounds or it might be me remembering, it's just as bad, as I still haven't figured out how to make more than 3 steps without falling on my face and landing in the most awkward of ways.

This, a week ago, resulted to a minor fracture just beneath my elbow, but being the baby I am when it comes to pain, I made my friends drive me to the hospital for x-rays and now I have it hang for almost a week now. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, but that little bit of pain and the fear of hurting it more makes me keeping it hang around my neck. One day, I swear I'll perfect the art of walking one day. Swear down.

But the cool thing is- and this one goes out to all the ladies- that I didn't get that from just walking. I'm a cool dude and I don't walk. I skate. I don't eat. I skate. I don't get laid. I skate. I don't like girls. I skate. I don't like boys. I skate. Anyway, I tried to do an ollie -skate still- and I didn't make it at first and I gave it another try - “cause I'm a sk8er guy”-. I landed on my ass, palms and elbow. So there you go.

Anyway I got an internship at a magazine and I'm waiting for a reply from another magazine. Hip hip hooray for doing work and not getting paid. But who am I kidding? I barely do any work. I write 2 or 3 articles a day and then I have all the time to clown around. But this has become less fun now days as my cat has grown older and is too bored of my games. Or so it seems. Sometimes he responds some others he just yawns.

Athens is fun minus the money problems. We found this bar the other day where whiskey costs 3.20 euros. Yup 3.20 and it's the worst watered kind of whiskey you'll ever find. First I thought it was just because the bartender had put too much ice in my glass and I asked him for straight the second time. Still, it was watered and tasteless. Kind of like that T.V show, Big Bang Theory. But can't really tell which is worse.

Talking of slightly fractured elbow bones, being bored and having nothing better to do, have I ever told you about that time I had H1N1? Well, it was Christmas 2009 when I got it. Right after seeing a band called Bellvue Cadillac. Seems like smoking at a small smoking area with everyone smoking around you it's not the healthiest thing one could do.

Anyway, it started with head aches and sore throat. Then chills down my spine and then dizziness and then slightly high fever. It was the season to be jolly that for sure. The fun thing is that I had to return to the U.K to hand in my last assignment, get my grade, pack my stuff and leave. So I was pretty nervous that I wouldn't make it, miss my hand in date for the assignment, miss my grade, leave all my stuff and get charged extra for the room I was staying in. Plus, I'd have to do the same class ALL over again. That I couldn't stand.

So, thank god the doctor said I could travel if I was feeling any better and the fever had dropped. And so it happened. I went back handed in my assignment and waited for my grades. I had two weeks to kill till my grades were out so that meant me staying there and wait.

So in January of 2010, I started going out with a friend of mine almost every Thursday night, blog more regularly, watch a lot of movies, read more books, drink more coffee than Brazil produces in a year and smoke more cigarettes than your grandpa has/had smoked in all his life.

One night as I was out at that club/bar I used to go, I met up with another friend of mine that we used to hang occasionally every Thursday night. She was cool and I liked her. Guess she liked me too, BUT she didn't know I spent my Christmas having the H1N1 disease. Which was a big deal back in the days.

So as we were hanging outside at the smoking area, talking about what we did during Christmas, and how we spent these holy days, at one point we kissed. Now I have no idea, why or how it stroke me but right after that I said with a big grin “you know I had H1N1 during Christmas...” took a drag from my cigarette and kept on smiling.

Then she pushed me slightly moved back a little and said “what's that? Is that that swine flu they've been talking on the news?” I casually said “yeah” and went on explaining how I had to wear a mask on the airplane etc etc but you should have seen her face.

I meant no harm, I didn't do it to upset her or anything and definitely I wouldn't do it to pass that on to her. But her face was more like “eww...and I just took a drag from your cigarette, let alone kissed you...you pig infected bearded unmasked weirdo.” At least that's what I read on her face. Then she said “if I have any symptoms in the recent future I'll know who to blame!” or something like that. As far as my face is concerned I bet it read, in a tipsy way, “yup I got to wear a mask on an airplane and the guy who was sitting next to me when the plane took off left and went to sit elsewhere and I got to have a full 6 hours sleep. How cool is that?”

We stopped talking a couple of months after that, guess we had nothing really in common apart from drinking, music and boredom.

On the bright side of things, as I said before, I got an internship of some sort and I'm waiting for a reply from another magazine. We have a gig on the 11th of November which by the looks of it, it does seem promising and on the 6th of December or something like that it's the graduation for my M.A degree. Now I'm off to bed and remember: learn to walk then run, don't tell a girl you just kissed you had H1N1 and Jesus Christ is waiting to high-five you at your local church so don't leave him hanging. Till the next time, bababooee and keep goofing it up.

FLIPPIN IN PHILIPPINES WITH A GUY NAMED PHILIP

Bad guys don't listen to real bad ass songs and ugly girls with hot friends won't introduce them to you because they think that they'll get prettier if they don't. Oh and before I begin, it's true that the grass can always be greener but that, only, away from the city, unless your mayor's doing a nice job with the parks.

It's been a long time but I had nothing to talk about and I was really busy doing other stuff like searching for a job and trying to do something productive with my time, hands and mind. Since nothing much have changed and it wouldn't be even remotely appropriate for the time and for me to sing “I CAN CHANGE THE WORLD WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS” . But after spending some time chugging water, smoking and listening to g-rap and in general bad ass songs I came up with this entry. So sit back, cuddle your teddy bear and read what I have to say.

I was searching for a job till I got a phone call from my uncle who told me that he knows a guy who owns a journalistic website and he'd like to meet me and discuss about a potential hiring. After calling up the guy and talking for half an hour or so, he gave me his office's address and we set up a meeting. At this point I'd like to add that I'm not very familiar with the centre of Athens, the bad areas etc apart from a couple.

So, on Thursday morning I dress up accordingly for a job interview and I set off. I get to the street where his office is supposed to be and start walking upwards to find the right number. I start walking through a park and five or six steps further in that park I hear “psst hey big guy...” and on the right and left of me junkies. Others sleeping, others talking, other bargaining and others shooting. I don't turn around and keep on walking. Further down I see a guy laid down his face pale white and his lips light purple to blue. Then some others started walking my way arguing with eachother so I considered appropriate to go at the other side of the park. Now don't imagine a big spacious park where you can walk around carelessly. It's a small beat down park and when I say I went to the other side I just switched sides and crossed over a little flower bed. That's when I passed by the guy I mentioned earlier who was looking fresher than Pauly D. From Jersey Shore.

I finally make it to the guy's office and we talk for an hour. After some getting to know each other talk and other different kind of small talk, he tells me to check his journalistic website and asks me to call him on Tuesday. Fingers crossed this will go alright.

So... “real bad/ tough guys don't listen to bad ass songs”. Take Rocky for example. He wasn't listening to gansta rap when he was training. Instead he was listening to the “Eye of the tiger” in which the lead singer's voice can go so high that instantly it makes it no bad ass at all. “Bad ass” songs these days consist of deep voices, threats, money, guns and maybe sometimes even some one getting “clicked”. Another example of a bad ass guy who didn't listen to bad ass music was John McClain. In fact the only bad ass song for John McClain is this one



Well to get to the bottom of this, the notion we have today about what's bad ass and what is not is really ridiculous and it wears out after high-school. The best example is a couple guys from my high-school that were the epitomy of cool back in the days but now no one has a clue where they are, what they're doing and very few are those who can say with certainty that they have accomplished something in their lives. So watching Scooby-Doo and porn and reading books is bad ass as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, point number 2 that I'd like to make is that girls and guys with limited potential in getting laid because of their looks, won't meet you to their pretty friends and if they do then expect the world to come to an end any time soon.

Bye for now.

P.S: FLIPPIN IN PHILIPPINES WITH A GUY NAMED PHILIP

In My Parallel Universe I Bet I Would Have Gotten Laid

Well it's been over a month now that I'm practically and officially done with any University work and I couldn't be happier, well actually I could be if that girl from last night that talked to me hadn't been dragged away by her boyfriend after him giving me a dirty look. But since this is going to look like another diary entry, let's take things from the scratch shall we.

Last night my friends who have a band and allow me to dick around with them and pretend I'm part of the group, played a live acoustic set at this bar. Well we played a 30 minutes acoustic set and it went below average at the point where the chatters from the crowd were over-taking our music. The only upper was that it seemed like they liked my intro song which is a completely stupid 30 seconds song saying “yes” and then a long “ooooo”.

Well after we finished playing, we hang around to see the other guys play their set and have a couple of drinks. The other guys' set was quite amazing. They had a guy doing beat-box, they were dancing, they played katy perry and other dance songs and they managed to fill the bar. At some point they even squirt the crowd with a water pistol.

Anyway, as we were outside of the bar getting beers and ouzo from the corner shop at some point I went inside to use the toilette. The guys who were playing were done and most of the crowd was either on the street or had left. I go to the toilette and lock the door. As I'm half way done, I hear two loud bangs on the toilette door. I finish peeing and I open the door.

There was a girl standing there and a pretty one too staring at me. I ask her in Greek why she was banging on the door and she says in English “sorry I don't speak Greek”. Then as a gentleman I am, I apologize and open the door wide open for her and tell her to come in first and then I'd leave. She says “no you first” and I insist. Long story short she gets hesitantly in the toilette staring at me as I walk out. And when I say “staring at me” I mean that stare of “I hope he won't jump on me and rape me” kind of stare.

I go outside and tell my friends wondering if I actually look like the kind of guy who would rape or even force finger bang a girl in the toilette of some bar. 30 minutes after that conversation with my friends and a bit drunker I feel someone tapping my shoulder. I turn around and it was her. She was way drunker than she was when she was in toilette but not pass out drunk. I think she was on the same level of drunkness with me.

Anyway, I say hi, again as a gentleman I am and she says “you're the guy from the toilette” or something like that. I agree and for some weird reason we start touching hands and talking. I've no idea why we started touching hands. And when I say talking I mean exchanging two sentences more. At that moment I'm pretty content with myself when a guy comes and grabs her from her waist and tell her to leave, leaving me standing there as she says “bye”.

But then on the other hand there was this other gilf, I mean girl, I also liked. She was wearing jean shorts, some kind of weird combat boots, a baggy short white t-shirt and a trucker hat and her name hopefully wasn't Bob.

Now, I'm sitting here typing this because I have nothing better to do hence the blogging and smoking. Now that you read my story you can all go back to what you were doing and I'm going to go back and play some playstation 3 and then some guitar.

Bye.

I'm Searching For A Job

You can get a job to quit a job and make money to waste money to go to that job and get a girl and eat food together and get energy so you can be happy the next day at your job.